there's knowing where you need to be. it's where someone needs to be for something important like school or a job location that you've been sent to. it's not exactly somewhere you've chosen to be because of it's location necessarily or that you really know much about it. but it's somewhere you end up because life choices have led you there by assignment. i'm in pittsburgh for most of year because i need to be. it's where i applied to and ended up in university. i don't love the place, and given the option, i don't think i'd choose to move there for any other reason, but it's where i've ended up because of previous life and career decisions. it made sense at the time, and i had no real objections to it. i don't mind it.
there's knowing where you should be. it's where your family is, where your roots are. again, this location is not really by your own choices, but by the luck of the draw. it's where choices before you were made and so you ended up there. for awhile, it happens to be where it makes sense to go back to whenever you need somewhere to go. even though i was brought up for most of my life in hong kong, it doesn't mean that, given the choice, i would choose to move there just because i feel like it. it just happens to be where i go back to because i still have family there. i like the city scene, but i could never live directly in one. i like peace and quiet, but i can't be that removed. hk isn't exactly a place that automatically brings images of sprawling, tranquil suburbs to mind. it's not where i'd choose to be, but again, it makes sense from time to time. and i don't mind it. in small doses.
then there's knowing where you want to be. or where you thought you did. it's the place you've come to love, and the place you've come to feel happy to come back to. it's completely voluntary and under your control. and because of this, it's where you feel most free. it's where you want to fit in because it all makes sense to you now, in the moment. it's not really describable. there aren't really any tangible reasons. but it's what you want. i've come to really like boston, maybe even love it. having only spent two years here at the end of high school, that may sound a little strange and rash. but hey, i don't know what it is. i've come back every break since, no matter how long or short that visit has been. whereas in hk, i barely know anyone anymore, i still have friends here and people i somewhat know. whereas pittsburgh is there for school, here i can live a little less stressed in a place that has come to be more and more familiar to me as time has gone by.
but what if all those distinctions change? what if where you need to be ceases to really feel like a necessity to you anymore because you see another way? what if where you should be has just suddenly turned into somewhere you don't want to be? and what if the situation where you want to be has changed to the point where you wonder why on earth it was that you wanted to come back here in the first place? distinctions have been altered to the point where the lines defining your reasons are blurred. one reason has morphed into another and what was a "need" became a "should", what you "should" you don't want to think about, and what you "want" just doesn't feel right and has become just that little bit bleaker.
do you stay, figure out what changed, and fix it? or do you move on to find new places to fit those distinctions?
i mean, i'm pretty adventurous with some things. but i have to admit that latter option doesn't really do much except scare, intimidate and stress the bejeezus out of me. is that a life decision/choice dictating what my next step could potentially be?
i think it just might be.
