huck. bid. pillage. and burn.

i'm on a team for the summer. which makes it my team in the sense that its the team i've chosen to commit myself to for the summer and do what i can to better them. but it's also not. i'm not one of them yet. i'm just a tag-along for now.

but unfortunately, that doesn't do anything to stop the frustration i feel with this team. i haven't been given the chance to play the positions i normally play, the ones i'm most comfortable playing, nor the ones that i play best in. they're the positions that i play best, and therefore, they're the ones that i feel like, had i been playing them, would be most beneficial to the team. i think.

i'm now stuck feeling like they're getting the wrong idea about how strong a player i am. i actually feel like i'm being treated like a rookie. it feels like shit and i honestly didn't think i'd have to deal with that again. but at the same time, because i tend to try to consider both sides of every situation, i've forced myself to believe that the captains know what they're doing and have possibly made these decisions because i had made it known that i could be pretty versatile on the field and that i could potentially do it better than other people in this position. it just doesn't help that, in the last game we had, i was stuck playing a position that i've basically decided i hate. i hated it in high school, hated it with the hkupa, and hated it in college. also not helped by the fact that i literally have not been a popper/cutter in a zone in years. i'm rusty. it just makes me feel more useless and more like a rookie.

i think, of how frustrated i'm getting with merge, what bothers me most is that i don't like that i feel this way. they're a good group of people, all fun and whatnot. so i don't know how to deal with this frustration. i like the team, they're fun, and i want to be able to better the team and help them as much as i can. i just don't think i'm being given that opportunity.

i'm hoping things will work out after a couple more practices. or at least when i get to know the other captains better and just talk to them about it. i can't let it get to me. i don't want to do something i'll regret later. i want to play ultimate. i want to have fun doing it. i need a way that'll let me do that.

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so this overall position may have changed a little. i haven't quite decided if it's better yet, but we'll see.

on the other hand. holy hell, that was probably one of the worst feeling practices ever. i think i've only ever been that pissed off at a practice once. bad decisions were made, good decisions were screwed up by skewed fundamental skills, there was a general lack of effort. the only part i can look back on happily [or at least happiER-ly] was getting to handle, actively, for a good part of the main endzone drill. that felt good. even suicides and burpees at the end were more fun than the rest of practice put together. damn.